Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.