YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.