ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i鈥檝e seen their work. no thanks.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 need alcohol to do something stupid.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that鈥檚 when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I鈥檓 here & they鈥檙e not so
Brain: so we鈥檙e walking cos I put them in there & if they鈥檙e not there then they鈥檙e lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 馃槀馃槀馃槀
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
馃ぃ馃槇馃ぃ
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn鈥檛 notice when I haven鈥檛 moved my mouse in an hour.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?