My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning