The internet is full of many things
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Left at a local drug store…
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”