doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Still my favourite meme.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.