[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.