Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.