gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime