Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this