Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Venn
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.