ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
They’re called werewolves.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.