All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”