genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.