People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.