I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.