*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
we’re dead?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.