There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
You Might Also Like
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid