[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
shit just got real
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed