Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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Anime is real
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill