Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired