this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not