This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
You Might Also Like
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
HOW DARE YOU
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*