There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
me
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I want what they have