The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?