Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly