Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Was it something I said?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant