Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
starting a garage orchestra
Swedish for common sense.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
it was love at first sight
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.