the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays