tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*