CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.