Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’