I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”