My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Well, that didn’t work.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Well, this explains it:
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….