SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
hmm conte-me mais
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
sigh