DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Ghost costume 😂
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?