Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)