Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.