Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
scared to check what name she chose
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.