[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit