I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The pen is writier than the sword.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
we’re dead?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
dream blunt rotation
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
mechanics be like
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.