The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
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My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Thursday Thought.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I just ran a .003048K
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.