Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Tastes like chicken.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill