I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out