Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
😜
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
There are usually two types of merchants.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My wife gives the best headache.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments