Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.