Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.