‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The first one, obviously
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to