Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You Might Also Like
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?