It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock